he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
