Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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