11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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