I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
