She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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