First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
