So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
