Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
