the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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