I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
