some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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