Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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