Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
