my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
