if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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