My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
