I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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