I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
