at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
