We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
