you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
