Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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