im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
3 2 1 whiskey
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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