just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
