He is such a slut. More and more my type.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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