oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
