I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
