he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
