I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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