you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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