you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
