see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
