i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
