I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
