I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
