You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
