His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize