Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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