New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
