Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
