He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
