an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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