I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize