i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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