She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
