In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
