I cannot find my penis.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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