he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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