Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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