I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
