im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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