would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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