I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
