you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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