What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Michael Bay diarrhea
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
