dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
