there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
