remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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