If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
