note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize