every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he quoted the bible to break up with me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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