so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
